I started this to say the things I didn't want to say in public due to them just being a little too ragey. It was a place to vent and maybe to talk about other things I liked. The latter hasn't happened but the good news is not much has triggered the former recently. The only problem now is one of me being angry at myself. Kind of. Its complicated and I'm just posting it here because every time I manage to articulate it coherently to myself I lose the words by the time I'm talking to another person.
Here goes. I stress about far too much, I'm working on it, not that efficiently but I think I'm improving. The problem I'm seeing now is that it isn't the situations I'm in that are stressing me (mostly), the problem is internal with me stressing for a few reasons about things I can't control then stressing because I stress which ends up just causing feedback. Being aware of it doesn't seem to stop because its the awareness that causes the feedback but I need to stop reacting to it the way I do. I'm used to running, I ran from bullies in primary school, ran to a different secondary school then kept running from another lot. I'd like to say I've stopped now and it's true that I'm not running from people anymore at least. What I'm doing now is projecting the stress inside my head onto whatever's around me and running from that. I'm trying to run from the inside of my head with all the pointlessness that implies. I have no idea if I'll keep to this next time I have a chance but for now I'm resolving that the next time I feel stressed I'm just going to ignore it and keep on going. Theres no point in running, all it does is add to the list of things I regret. So yeah, I'm not running anymore and my hindbrain is just going have to sit down and accept it. Right, I think thats about it, it looks vaguely coherent and for now I feel better for putting this out there. I guess that'll do.